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Health & Fitness

A Local Pastor's Caricature of Mound Church's 2011

Hilarious account of events at a local church in 2011.

Here's some events that took place in 2011 at Mount Olive Lutheran Church in Mound. Some of them really happened, some I made up.

January: Pastor Mike falls from a ladder while trying to scrape snow off his roof and sustains a concussion. The Board of Elders then try to convince Pastor Mike that they sent him to Florida for a six-week vacation that he just doesn’t remember.

February: Folks who haven’t attended church since last February come to worship, see their shadow, and retreat to their burrow until next year.

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March: The Board of Directors continues to wrestle with the “Mission and Vision Statement” for Mt. Olive. Some of the slogans that are ultimately rejected include, “The Strictest Church in the County,” “We’ve Never Done It That Way Before,” “We Don’t Sing Anything Written Later Than 1615” and “Megachurches Are Fine If You Like That Sort of Thing, But Here At Mt. Olive We Sit In Our Own Pew.”

April: A school bus gets stuck in the parking lot as the frozen swamp underlying Mt. Olive’s property finally thaws. Enterprising members of the Stewardship Committee start waving cars into the parking lot, then looting and stripping the vehicles and selling the parts on the black market.

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May: The church begins working on several projects, including replacing the front steps, building light boxes for some stained glass windows, planting tomatoes in the organ pipes, and installing a catapult to launch people with mobility issues up to the second floor (cheaper than an elevator). Unfortunately, the City of Mound denies a permit to dig a channel across Bartlett Boulevard from Lake Minnetonka so that Pastor Mike could dock his pontoon right outside the office.

June: Pastor Mike attends a Theological Conference which addresses the topic, “Should Lutheran Churches Ordain Hamsters If They Promise Not To Nibble On The Hymnals?”

July: Due to the difficult economic conditions, our Missouri Synod headquarters building in St. Louis is completely vacated except for one guy with a huge head who sits behind a curtain with a megaphone issuing edicts like the Wizard of Oz.

August: Pastor Mike’s number of “Facebook” friends breaks the 1,000 mark. Meanwhile, worship attendance plummets during the dog days of summer. One Sunday the entire congregation consists of the elder on duty, one little old lady who got lost on her way to the Methodist church, a stray cat and 15,000 box elder bugs.

September: The elders review Pastor Mike’s pastoral visits report. The report includes 15 hospital calls, six visits to members at Tommy Sue’s on Saturday nights, seven calls on delinquent members at Scotty B’s on Sunday mornings, 24 “evangelism” calls to Big Island on the weekends and five counseling sessions at the Minnetonka Drive-In on Thursday evenings.

October: In an attempt to avoid the persistent problem of “once they’re confirmed, they never come back to church,” Pastor Mike decides to allow only one confirmation this year: his own daughter. “So far, it seems to be working” reports Pastor Mike.

November: Sunday evening Bible Class attendance increases dramatically when Pastor Mike decides to show the recently released “Walther” movie, depicting scandal, greed, adultery and other exciting themes from the early days of the Missouri Synod. One attendee states, “I never knew church history was such a soap opera!”

December: The Sunday School children once again delight the congregation with a Christmas Program complete with mischievous angels, shoving shepherds and a blissfully oblivious Mary who keeps banging baby Jesus’ head into the mic stand. After the performance, the congregational president confronts Pastor Mike with his complaint about the brightly colored and beautifully printed bags containing the goodies for the children. Jabbing his finger at the cover of the Lutheran Witness magazine portraying a dour and pinched CFW Walther, he proclaims, “Walther never would have stood for colored bags! Plain old brown bags were good enough for him!”

…and through it all, God was faithful to give us His treasures every day!

I can’t wait to see where He will lead us in 2012. Open your heart to Him, and He will fill it with His presence, His peace, His power.

Yours in Christ,

Pastor Mike Michalk

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